My Mind Is All Over The Place....

...and I can't find a focus point. Once again I find myself where I was in Boston: Living where I don't want to live, working a job that has nothing to do with where I want to be in the future and where I am stressed because of hours....and just completely unhappy with my life situation.

I am given small opportunities, but all I do is talk about them like I already tried and in reality I truly haven't.

Then there is singing....A LOT of people rag on me because I say I made the decision to not pursue it as a career. And the thing is I think I have been trying to talk myself out of it. Every time I say I am not going to sing, is just another time I am trying to tell myself I shouldn't and me trying to convince myself nothing will come of it.

I just don't know where I fit in when it comes to performing. And then there is the whole finding a band thing that is so daunting. I mean...how many people, specifically singers have you heard of trying to find a band??? LOTS is the answer and although I know I have a lot more talent than most of them....I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

All I can find are reasons to talk myself out of it.

I don't want to perform R&B music...I would love to as a background singer, but how do you even get into that whole scene???

I want to do rock music...not pop/rock Kelly Clarkson crap....I want to do something like a mix of: Circa Survive/Dance Gavin Dance/As Tall As Lions/Chiodos/Paramore/Envy On The Coast/so many other things. I just don't know how...


And then there is the whole songwriting thing....UGH! I hear things in my head...guitar riffs, drumbeats, bass lines, melodies...but then I sit down with my guitar or at a piano when I get a chance and I can't find the chords I hear in my head...or I try to sing out the melody to put into garageband and it sounds like shit....when minutes before it sounded SO awesome in my head or when I was singing it in the car. I can't seem to form verses and choruses the way I want either. My words just sound so ridiculously bad.

I know being negative about it doesn't help....but I can't find the positive anywhere in this. I have been given a voice and yet I don't know what to use it for. I know I want to be in the music business and I love the business side of it too, but I just can't NOT perform. It is just too important of a part of me.

I need a kick in the right direction....and I need it bad....I am just driving myself crazy thinking about what I need to do so much.

Thinking has gotten me absolutely no where....