...and figuring out how to handle them is the hard part. I learn so much about myself every time and although I may not love everything I find out...I try to look at it as a lesson learned. Life has definitely been interesting lately to say the least. I have felt excited, lonely, happy, angry, sassy, strange, sick, special....and all sorts of other stuff! I just wish I knew how to write about all of it. Maybe when everything that has happened over the last few weeks calms down and comes to a bit more of a close I will be able to go into more detail. As of right now...I am still kind of in the moment...living it.
More on this later......
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Monday, August 18, 2008
Avalon....
...I guess that's where you could say I have been the past couple of days. And it has been everything from tiring to exhilarating. Anthony Green, he gets me every time. Such a talented human being. His presence is just so intense and I wish I could put what it is he does for my life into words, but I can't. He has a gift and all I can say is I am so happy he shares it in all the aspects of music that he does....Circa Survive, Solo, The Sound Of Animals Fighting, Zolof and The Rock and Roll Destroyer, Saosin, Envy On The Coast, Say Anything...and many more.
This past weekend my lil brother Alex took the train up to Seattle and we went to Anthony's show up here and then drove down to Portland for the show the next day. My friend Tracie tagged along for Portland and aside from the drive home it was a blast.
So many incredible moments....I don't feel like I would do them justice by writing about them here. Maybe we'll talk later and I can nerd out then. Let's just say I got my hair ruffled.
2 Shows, 2 setlists, too much caffeine, and a lot of great music...I am one happy girl.
This past weekend my lil brother Alex took the train up to Seattle and we went to Anthony's show up here and then drove down to Portland for the show the next day. My friend Tracie tagged along for Portland and aside from the drive home it was a blast.
So many incredible moments....I don't feel like I would do them justice by writing about them here. Maybe we'll talk later and I can nerd out then. Let's just say I got my hair ruffled.
2 Shows, 2 setlists, too much caffeine, and a lot of great music...I am one happy girl.
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Lucky...?
I feel so lucky to have the opportunity to meet such amazing people at shows. The only sad part about it is...I never know when I'll see them next. Some of them I never will...some I have and will always have in my life.....my roommate is a good example of this! hey jen!
Warning...it gets ridiculously long after this point.....
The past week has been so incredibly tiring and amazing all at the same time. I'll start from the beginning.
Wednesday night was getting ready/not getting ready and watching project runway with the ladies. I always tell myself I am going to get enough sleep before I make my silly trips by myself....it never happens though!
Then comes Thursday. Up at 5am at work by 7am and then off at 11:00am to drive a little less than 4 hours to see one of my favorite bands PAPER RIVAL!!!! I haven't seen them in 2 years and it has been killing me. They almost keep coming and then cancel or something else comes up. They weren't coming to Seattle, so I went to them in Portland. I almost got mugged...I don't recommend it. The almost mugging led me to find a park to read in and listen to my music safely next to a playground....I DO recommend that. It got closer to doors and I headed back. As I was crossing the street about a block from the venue every single band in their vans with trailers turned the corner and looked at me like they knew where I was going. Needless to say I felt like a creep. I met some interesting people in line. Saw a drunken woman getting a ticket from a policeman try to make out with the cop himself...funny, but come on! I met a nice merch boy before the show. He was precious...he had a few drinks during the show and afterwards told me how beautiful my eyes were. Intoxicated or not, it was flattering. haha, the set was GREAT!! They are all such talented musicians, not just a bunch of good lookin' guys in a rock band. Afterwards I headed to the bar next door that was connected to the venue. I met a woman who came to see The Honorary Title(another fun band) after only hearing one song a few days before. She was drinking a lemon drop. I told her to try a raspberry lemon drop next time. During my conversation with her Mr. Patrick Damphier, the drummer/producer/incredibly talented person walked by and I proceeded to tell him how talented I think he is and that he played a great show. I also nerded out and asked him to sign my cd. The whole band at this point was around the table. I forgot their old EP which is under a different name was in the case and they all freaked out over it. It just got better though. They all ended up sitting down and talking for the longest time. Brent ended up remembering me from Boston 2 years prior and we spoke about his allergy to gluten and how he threw his hip out bowling. We talked about music and he told me next time they come back around to bring my guitar and he would give me a mini lesson. I just hope he knows I am going to hold him to it. I saw The Honorary Title play. It was pretty good....the singer throws me off and I wish I could explain it to you, but even I don't get what I mean by that. All in all an interesting night. I am so happy I had the opportunity to see them.
Friday saw my friend Adrienne from Boston visiting...we had a blast. Drank a bit/a lot...well Adrienne did! I had to drive. We met some cool people and got a free drink. Had some artichoke dip from my friend Mikey's workplace.
Saturday was wedding day....if you weren't there you missed out. If you were there...enough said. Adrienne ended up having to leave earlier than expected. But I got to see my gpa and uncle who were visiting from out of town too. So, it worked out for the best.
SUNDAY/MONDAY! What a good day. I did ticket work for infinite..a lil drama there, but we don't need to discuss. I picked up Marti, bought soccer socks for my sister and ran into an old coworker/friend I haven't seen since moving to Boston. It was good catching up. I bought a dress people...a dress! I know...amazing, right? We then picked up my buddy Rachel and headed to the Triple Door Theater to see my beautiful friend Jessie Baylin. It's always wonderful seeing her. She played a great set and I have to say...I think I rocker the merch table. I met some of the best people that night as well. CHELSEA!!! My dear you are by far one of my top ten people I have ever/will ever meet!!! I still cannot believe that in less than 24 hours of meeting eachother, we were in a car for 4 hours, squirting taco bell sauce at each other...or at least I was! JOE...enough said! After I got off work on Monday, chelsea and I roadtripped it to portland and upon arriving at the hotel we downed some free wine from the hotel and some cheap vodka and made our way to the venue through the worst part of town. While en route we wrote a rap for jessie...video to come at a later date. We met up with the gang and the shenanigans began. It always amazes me how people can feel like family so fast. The night included slap fights, gum hunting, conor oberst singin, late night tattoo parlors and many other exciting moments. I miss them all SO much already...aside from Jessie and Tim, I met all those people just 3 days ago. SO CRAZY!
Tuesday came and Chelsea and I got some breakfast and set off for the airport. I then spent the day with my family. I got to see/hear my papa play accordion! Which always means the world to me. I never smile bigger than when he plays.
And now we are back to wednesday...I worked..ate some pizza, drank some soda pop and looked at pictures from the past week. Although I am sad thinking about how I have no idea when I will see them next....I am incredibly grateful I can now call them friends.
Now it's back to my regular schedule of work mon-fri, listening to people complain all day...pretty exciting I know! Hopefully I will find something to do that makes me a little happier sometime soon. I love the benefits, the pay and the people I have met working my job, but it has drained me and has done nothing to bring me closer to what I really want to do.
Anyways...that's another blog I have written hundreds of times! hahaha
Here's to many more adventures like this one and seeing my new friends SUPER soon!!!
Warning...it gets ridiculously long after this point.....
The past week has been so incredibly tiring and amazing all at the same time. I'll start from the beginning.
Wednesday night was getting ready/not getting ready and watching project runway with the ladies. I always tell myself I am going to get enough sleep before I make my silly trips by myself....it never happens though!
Then comes Thursday. Up at 5am at work by 7am and then off at 11:00am to drive a little less than 4 hours to see one of my favorite bands PAPER RIVAL!!!! I haven't seen them in 2 years and it has been killing me. They almost keep coming and then cancel or something else comes up. They weren't coming to Seattle, so I went to them in Portland. I almost got mugged...I don't recommend it. The almost mugging led me to find a park to read in and listen to my music safely next to a playground....I DO recommend that. It got closer to doors and I headed back. As I was crossing the street about a block from the venue every single band in their vans with trailers turned the corner and looked at me like they knew where I was going. Needless to say I felt like a creep. I met some interesting people in line. Saw a drunken woman getting a ticket from a policeman try to make out with the cop himself...funny, but come on! I met a nice merch boy before the show. He was precious...he had a few drinks during the show and afterwards told me how beautiful my eyes were. Intoxicated or not, it was flattering. haha, the set was GREAT!! They are all such talented musicians, not just a bunch of good lookin' guys in a rock band. Afterwards I headed to the bar next door that was connected to the venue. I met a woman who came to see The Honorary Title(another fun band) after only hearing one song a few days before. She was drinking a lemon drop. I told her to try a raspberry lemon drop next time. During my conversation with her Mr. Patrick Damphier, the drummer/producer/incredibly talented person walked by and I proceeded to tell him how talented I think he is and that he played a great show. I also nerded out and asked him to sign my cd. The whole band at this point was around the table. I forgot their old EP which is under a different name was in the case and they all freaked out over it. It just got better though. They all ended up sitting down and talking for the longest time. Brent ended up remembering me from Boston 2 years prior and we spoke about his allergy to gluten and how he threw his hip out bowling. We talked about music and he told me next time they come back around to bring my guitar and he would give me a mini lesson. I just hope he knows I am going to hold him to it. I saw The Honorary Title play. It was pretty good....the singer throws me off and I wish I could explain it to you, but even I don't get what I mean by that. All in all an interesting night. I am so happy I had the opportunity to see them.
Friday saw my friend Adrienne from Boston visiting...we had a blast. Drank a bit/a lot...well Adrienne did! I had to drive. We met some cool people and got a free drink. Had some artichoke dip from my friend Mikey's workplace.
Saturday was wedding day....if you weren't there you missed out. If you were there...enough said. Adrienne ended up having to leave earlier than expected. But I got to see my gpa and uncle who were visiting from out of town too. So, it worked out for the best.
SUNDAY/MONDAY! What a good day. I did ticket work for infinite..a lil drama there, but we don't need to discuss. I picked up Marti, bought soccer socks for my sister and ran into an old coworker/friend I haven't seen since moving to Boston. It was good catching up. I bought a dress people...a dress! I know...amazing, right? We then picked up my buddy Rachel and headed to the Triple Door Theater to see my beautiful friend Jessie Baylin. It's always wonderful seeing her. She played a great set and I have to say...I think I rocker the merch table. I met some of the best people that night as well. CHELSEA!!! My dear you are by far one of my top ten people I have ever/will ever meet!!! I still cannot believe that in less than 24 hours of meeting eachother, we were in a car for 4 hours, squirting taco bell sauce at each other...or at least I was! JOE...enough said! After I got off work on Monday, chelsea and I roadtripped it to portland and upon arriving at the hotel we downed some free wine from the hotel and some cheap vodka and made our way to the venue through the worst part of town. While en route we wrote a rap for jessie...video to come at a later date. We met up with the gang and the shenanigans began. It always amazes me how people can feel like family so fast. The night included slap fights, gum hunting, conor oberst singin, late night tattoo parlors and many other exciting moments. I miss them all SO much already...aside from Jessie and Tim, I met all those people just 3 days ago. SO CRAZY!
Tuesday came and Chelsea and I got some breakfast and set off for the airport. I then spent the day with my family. I got to see/hear my papa play accordion! Which always means the world to me. I never smile bigger than when he plays.
And now we are back to wednesday...I worked..ate some pizza, drank some soda pop and looked at pictures from the past week. Although I am sad thinking about how I have no idea when I will see them next....I am incredibly grateful I can now call them friends.
Now it's back to my regular schedule of work mon-fri, listening to people complain all day...pretty exciting I know! Hopefully I will find something to do that makes me a little happier sometime soon. I love the benefits, the pay and the people I have met working my job, but it has drained me and has done nothing to bring me closer to what I really want to do.
Anyways...that's another blog I have written hundreds of times! hahaha
Here's to many more adventures like this one and seeing my new friends SUPER soon!!!
Friday, July 25, 2008
I Think I Do It On Purpose....
...without even noticing. I am the reason I have never had another person i my life, a person who wants to take care of me and fall in love with me....well not the only reason, but a gosh darn big part. haha
I convince myself they would never think of me that way and then talk myself into thinking I can have a great friend at least and that one day I will be content with that. The fact of the matter is...I am NEVER content with that. I always want something more and it ends up driving me crazy and making me upset.
Sometimes after convincing myself, I see a glimmer of hope and I get excited and then get a smack in the face from reality. It never works. I think after the time it takes to convince myself that nothing will ever happen and the time it takes me to think something might be there....whatever IT was is gone and will never come back.
I also think I should stop thinking about it so much. It's just something I want so badly and see so many people either have the real thing or at least get to try to. I just want a gosh darn chance!
But now we get to the whole part where I feel like I come off as desperate. And you know what....when I lived in Boston it was so apparent it was SAD. I am aware of it too and yet I still just want anything. I have gotten to the point where I just want someone and something. how terrible is that?
I wrote something a while ago and it kind o came to the point that: I do so much for other people and give my love away so freely, that I don't know how to take care of myself or love myself.
I think until I get to a point where I can start to do that a little bit more, something will happen. Because if I don't believe I am beautiful or worth loving...than who is??? It's true!!! haha
I don't think everything is going to fall in place, but I also don't think I have to make it all fall into place either. I believe it will take a little bit of both.
I convince myself they would never think of me that way and then talk myself into thinking I can have a great friend at least and that one day I will be content with that. The fact of the matter is...I am NEVER content with that. I always want something more and it ends up driving me crazy and making me upset.
Sometimes after convincing myself, I see a glimmer of hope and I get excited and then get a smack in the face from reality. It never works. I think after the time it takes to convince myself that nothing will ever happen and the time it takes me to think something might be there....whatever IT was is gone and will never come back.
I also think I should stop thinking about it so much. It's just something I want so badly and see so many people either have the real thing or at least get to try to. I just want a gosh darn chance!
But now we get to the whole part where I feel like I come off as desperate. And you know what....when I lived in Boston it was so apparent it was SAD. I am aware of it too and yet I still just want anything. I have gotten to the point where I just want someone and something. how terrible is that?
I wrote something a while ago and it kind o came to the point that: I do so much for other people and give my love away so freely, that I don't know how to take care of myself or love myself.
I think until I get to a point where I can start to do that a little bit more, something will happen. Because if I don't believe I am beautiful or worth loving...than who is??? It's true!!! haha
I don't think everything is going to fall in place, but I also don't think I have to make it all fall into place either. I believe it will take a little bit of both.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
He is starting to sound bad again...
...and it scares me to death. Not just for me, but for all the people involved.
I couldn't handle it again. I've told him that...from the beginning, but I mean it now.
It's not that I am waiting for him to go back...things have been so amazing these past few months. It's just....if you could hear his voice and see the way he is moving....I just can't, I really can't go back...I can't hurt anymore because of him.
He has broken my heart so many times...I don't think I could put it back together again
It may just be him being tired or anxious...maybe I am just making it up in my head. But even she said he has been acting weird the past few days.
I just can't and I won't...
I couldn't handle it again. I've told him that...from the beginning, but I mean it now.
It's not that I am waiting for him to go back...things have been so amazing these past few months. It's just....if you could hear his voice and see the way he is moving....I just can't, I really can't go back...I can't hurt anymore because of him.
He has broken my heart so many times...I don't think I could put it back together again
It may just be him being tired or anxious...maybe I am just making it up in my head. But even she said he has been acting weird the past few days.
I just can't and I won't...
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Update....I guess....
Me, right now....hmmmm.....now there's a subject I don't even get right now.
I have so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside me recently.
I forgave my father....it took almost 6 years, but I did it! It was the most releasing feeling of my entire life. And for some reason I feel awkward saying it but...I felt God in my life for the first time. I know I felt him in music before, it's how he guided me through everything....but never have I felt such a rush...such a strength inside me before. I feel so weird saying that...like people will think I am full of crap or something.
I am trying to learn how to take responsibility for my actions as well. That one's a little tougher. It's not just admitting I have things I have to take care of....it's having the resources to take care of them. I have had the most sick feeling in my stomach for a long time about debts I need to take care of. I felt as if I didn't do it all at once...which will never happen....that I would get in huge trouble. When the truth is that I am going to be in trouble either way and even more so if I don't own up to them and just admit I can't do it all at once and that I have to do it bits at a time.
Then there is that other feeling....that strong feeling of self doubt and dislike that I have for myself. I know that no one is going to be able to see how beautiful I am and want to have me in their life...if I can't see it in myself first. How can you let someone love a part of you that you won't let exist. I have been told that my confidence is overwhelming...that I am so strong. I don't feel it though. What do they see, that I won't let myself?
I have so many amazing experiences in my past and hopefully many more in the future....but even with all the amazing things in my life....I still don't want it...I don't want to be a part of it. It's so hard to actually say it...and I can't. I won't let myself, because I know I won't. Not only because I have seen the effects it has had on some of the most important people in my life, but because I wouldn't want to cause that for anyone. It's such an unfair thing to do....but that doesn't change the fact that I think about it more than I would like.
I just want something to happen....and my problem is that I think I need something to happen.
Then there are friends...
Jen....if you're reading this....thank you for being my roommate! Living in the city with you is probably the thing that makes me happiest right now. PS. I MISS YOU...I'm cooler than Matt! hehehe..just kidding...but I am....hahaha...really we have both just been too busy and I have been poor. I promise to work on both things.
Long Distance Friends...
I miss you all so much! A few of you are an exception to what I am about to say...I know we are all busy with our crazy hectic lives and we don't always have time to call...but I call, I write, I text....where are you??? Just because I am not there, doesn't mean you aren't a huge part of my life...you are huge part of how I have become who I am and I miss you. I don't even care if it is a text saying you are ok and busy....anything. I am going to be selfish here and say that I feel forgotten. Were we not as good of friends as I thought? Did I annoy you? Was I overwhelming? I am all about honesty here....I wouldn't want to think someone was my friend that truly isn't. I'm not asking for you to say, "OH NO, sarah I love you!" I just feel like I put so much effort into staying in touch with so many people and that really only 2 or 3 people respond and show some sort of reaction.
Then there is a close friend....
I am too afraid to call you...to write you a personal message, but hopefully you will know this is for you.
I called you and told you about something so great in my life and you were so excited. But then you sent me a message and it pushed me away from you. SO far away from you. You said that if I hadn't found it in my life we probably couldn't be friends in the long run, that we couldn't be friends forever and that my well being depended on that. Were you just not going to be my friend if I didn't get lucky and find it my life. You made it seem as if our entire friendship depended on it. In all honesty, growing up with you...I felt as if it was dumb that I hadn't let it be a part of my life. What you wrote hurt me. You're my best friend and nothing would ever change that, not distance, faith, love, mistakes, nothing...NOTHING, but the fact that my not being a part of it would cause you to doubt my love, my friendship....how could you?
Then there's these things called dreams.
I know what I want has something to do with music. For me I know that the only thing that matters is that it be a part of my life every day. If that means driving a big tour bus, a mini tour van, selling merch, setting a stage up, pushing buttons, filling out paperwork, making the phone calls, assisting someone. The main goal is to have music be what I do. I just really want to be able to wake up in a different city every night, meet TONS of people every day, and be a part of what changes a person's life. The BIGGEST reason I have survived the downfalls in my life is because of music and the strength that it has given me. I want to save someone's life...I want them to know that they are worth fighting for even though I question it every day...at least I am still here questioning it. And I want to help them learn how to do that in a positive way, not a negative way.
Long story short...that's only a small part of what is going on in my brain right now. I really just want to find a way to take action with all of these things and stop sitting on my bum thinking about them.
I need to find something inside myself right now...I just don't know how I am going to do that.
I have so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside me recently.
I forgave my father....it took almost 6 years, but I did it! It was the most releasing feeling of my entire life. And for some reason I feel awkward saying it but...I felt God in my life for the first time. I know I felt him in music before, it's how he guided me through everything....but never have I felt such a rush...such a strength inside me before. I feel so weird saying that...like people will think I am full of crap or something.
I am trying to learn how to take responsibility for my actions as well. That one's a little tougher. It's not just admitting I have things I have to take care of....it's having the resources to take care of them. I have had the most sick feeling in my stomach for a long time about debts I need to take care of. I felt as if I didn't do it all at once...which will never happen....that I would get in huge trouble. When the truth is that I am going to be in trouble either way and even more so if I don't own up to them and just admit I can't do it all at once and that I have to do it bits at a time.
Then there is that other feeling....that strong feeling of self doubt and dislike that I have for myself. I know that no one is going to be able to see how beautiful I am and want to have me in their life...if I can't see it in myself first. How can you let someone love a part of you that you won't let exist. I have been told that my confidence is overwhelming...that I am so strong. I don't feel it though. What do they see, that I won't let myself?
I have so many amazing experiences in my past and hopefully many more in the future....but even with all the amazing things in my life....I still don't want it...I don't want to be a part of it. It's so hard to actually say it...and I can't. I won't let myself, because I know I won't. Not only because I have seen the effects it has had on some of the most important people in my life, but because I wouldn't want to cause that for anyone. It's such an unfair thing to do....but that doesn't change the fact that I think about it more than I would like.
I just want something to happen....and my problem is that I think I need something to happen.
Then there are friends...
Jen....if you're reading this....thank you for being my roommate! Living in the city with you is probably the thing that makes me happiest right now. PS. I MISS YOU...I'm cooler than Matt! hehehe..just kidding...but I am....hahaha...really we have both just been too busy and I have been poor. I promise to work on both things.
Long Distance Friends...
I miss you all so much! A few of you are an exception to what I am about to say...I know we are all busy with our crazy hectic lives and we don't always have time to call...but I call, I write, I text....where are you??? Just because I am not there, doesn't mean you aren't a huge part of my life...you are huge part of how I have become who I am and I miss you. I don't even care if it is a text saying you are ok and busy....anything. I am going to be selfish here and say that I feel forgotten. Were we not as good of friends as I thought? Did I annoy you? Was I overwhelming? I am all about honesty here....I wouldn't want to think someone was my friend that truly isn't. I'm not asking for you to say, "OH NO, sarah I love you!" I just feel like I put so much effort into staying in touch with so many people and that really only 2 or 3 people respond and show some sort of reaction.
Then there is a close friend....
I am too afraid to call you...to write you a personal message, but hopefully you will know this is for you.
I called you and told you about something so great in my life and you were so excited. But then you sent me a message and it pushed me away from you. SO far away from you. You said that if I hadn't found it in my life we probably couldn't be friends in the long run, that we couldn't be friends forever and that my well being depended on that. Were you just not going to be my friend if I didn't get lucky and find it my life. You made it seem as if our entire friendship depended on it. In all honesty, growing up with you...I felt as if it was dumb that I hadn't let it be a part of my life. What you wrote hurt me. You're my best friend and nothing would ever change that, not distance, faith, love, mistakes, nothing...NOTHING, but the fact that my not being a part of it would cause you to doubt my love, my friendship....how could you?
Then there's these things called dreams.
I know what I want has something to do with music. For me I know that the only thing that matters is that it be a part of my life every day. If that means driving a big tour bus, a mini tour van, selling merch, setting a stage up, pushing buttons, filling out paperwork, making the phone calls, assisting someone. The main goal is to have music be what I do. I just really want to be able to wake up in a different city every night, meet TONS of people every day, and be a part of what changes a person's life. The BIGGEST reason I have survived the downfalls in my life is because of music and the strength that it has given me. I want to save someone's life...I want them to know that they are worth fighting for even though I question it every day...at least I am still here questioning it. And I want to help them learn how to do that in a positive way, not a negative way.
Long story short...that's only a small part of what is going on in my brain right now. I really just want to find a way to take action with all of these things and stop sitting on my bum thinking about them.
I need to find something inside myself right now...I just don't know how I am going to do that.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Love Is A Revolution??? ...Why???
I wrote these a few months ago and just happened upon them the other day...
.......................................
Love is the movement
Love is a revolution
But how can we all make it happen
When love is a different concept to every person
With all the different kinds of love in the world
Where are we going to find a common ground
I'm still tring to figure out how to love
How to give enough
But not too much
To learn to accept being loved
But not the wrong kind of love
..........................................
Why do I feel so much?
the range of emotions
my body and mind struggle
to experience every day
is exhausting
Why do I care so much?
I put everything I can into
everyone else's lives.
Most likely because I don't know
how to put anything into my own
Why do I have a life?
A life that I don't appreciate.
I have been given so much in
this life in order to succeed.
Why do I take it all for granted?
Why can't I let myself be happy?
.......................................
Love is the movement
Love is a revolution
But how can we all make it happen
When love is a different concept to every person
With all the different kinds of love in the world
Where are we going to find a common ground
I'm still tring to figure out how to love
How to give enough
But not too much
To learn to accept being loved
But not the wrong kind of love
..........................................
Why do I feel so much?
the range of emotions
my body and mind struggle
to experience every day
is exhausting
Why do I care so much?
I put everything I can into
everyone else's lives.
Most likely because I don't know
how to put anything into my own
Why do I have a life?
A life that I don't appreciate.
I have been given so much in
this life in order to succeed.
Why do I take it all for granted?
Why can't I let myself be happy?
Monday, March 10, 2008
Why Do I Let Myself Fail Every Time...
I feel like I let myself fail every time I set out to do something.
It's as if I talk about all the things I could succeed at, but I never even really try as hard as I can. The thing that's makes it worse is that I am so aware of it. It eats away at me every day....I think about it on a regular basis and yet....I still don't do anything to make something happen.
Sorry if you don't like reading this...mom...gary...or whoever actually keeps an eye on this still....
I have happy moments...many happy moments, but...I just feel so unhappy all the time. I think about going to a counselor, but I generally talk about stuff when I am unhappy. I just don't know how to not be so disappointed in myself ALL THE TIME. I hate who I am. I hate that I can't accept myself. I have so many good qualities and gifts...and like I said before...it only makes me more frustrated, because I am SO aware of it.
We all have insecurities...but when do they stop ruling our lives...or when do we stop letting them?
I want to feel good again...not necessarily about all this stuff. I just want to wake up in the morning...and feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want to have such negative thoughts and ideas running through my head every time I see my reflection, every time I think of something I failed at.
Why can't I let myself be enough for me. I never by any means want to be content...I always want to strive for something better, but...why are we all so set on being unhappy in this life?
It's as if I talk about all the things I could succeed at, but I never even really try as hard as I can. The thing that's makes it worse is that I am so aware of it. It eats away at me every day....I think about it on a regular basis and yet....I still don't do anything to make something happen.
Sorry if you don't like reading this...mom...gary...or whoever actually keeps an eye on this still....
I have happy moments...many happy moments, but...I just feel so unhappy all the time. I think about going to a counselor, but I generally talk about stuff when I am unhappy. I just don't know how to not be so disappointed in myself ALL THE TIME. I hate who I am. I hate that I can't accept myself. I have so many good qualities and gifts...and like I said before...it only makes me more frustrated, because I am SO aware of it.
We all have insecurities...but when do they stop ruling our lives...or when do we stop letting them?
I want to feel good again...not necessarily about all this stuff. I just want to wake up in the morning...and feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.
I don't want to have such negative thoughts and ideas running through my head every time I see my reflection, every time I think of something I failed at.
Why can't I let myself be enough for me. I never by any means want to be content...I always want to strive for something better, but...why are we all so set on being unhappy in this life?
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