I Think I Do It On Purpose....

...without even noticing. I am the reason I have never had another person i my life, a person who wants to take care of me and fall in love with me....well not the only reason, but a gosh darn big part. haha

I convince myself they would never think of me that way and then talk myself into thinking I can have a great friend at least and that one day I will be content with that. The fact of the matter is...I am NEVER content with that. I always want something more and it ends up driving me crazy and making me upset.

Sometimes after convincing myself, I see a glimmer of hope and I get excited and then get a smack in the face from reality. It never works. I think after the time it takes to convince myself that nothing will ever happen and the time it takes me to think something might be there....whatever IT was is gone and will never come back.


I also think I should stop thinking about it so much. It's just something I want so badly and see so many people either have the real thing or at least get to try to. I just want a gosh darn chance!

But now we get to the whole part where I feel like I come off as desperate. And you know what....when I lived in Boston it was so apparent it was SAD. I am aware of it too and yet I still just want anything. I have gotten to the point where I just want someone and something. how terrible is that?

I wrote something a while ago and it kind o came to the point that: I do so much for other people and give my love away so freely, that I don't know how to take care of myself or love myself.

I think until I get to a point where I can start to do that a little bit more, something will happen. Because if I don't believe I am beautiful or worth loving...than who is??? It's true!!! haha

I don't think everything is going to fall in place, but I also don't think I have to make it all fall into place either. I believe it will take a little bit of both.