I had lost all faith in pop music....

when I heard Mika...sorry friends who love him. But personally...to me he is contributing to everything that is wrong with music these days.

It has been a LONG time since I heard a POP pop song that was good. not pop/rock, not pop/electronica...just POP. Finally someone is doing something good with it....too bad she is only popular in the UK and Sweden these days.

Anyone remember Robyn??? Show Me Love, Do You Know What It Takes???

She definitely grew up and she is even more talented! Love this song right now...SO MUCH!!!!


Thank You Robyn for proving that there is still good Pop music!

My Mind Is All Over The Place....

...and I can't find a focus point. Once again I find myself where I was in Boston: Living where I don't want to live, working a job that has nothing to do with where I want to be in the future and where I am stressed because of hours....and just completely unhappy with my life situation.

I am given small opportunities, but all I do is talk about them like I already tried and in reality I truly haven't.

Then there is singing....A LOT of people rag on me because I say I made the decision to not pursue it as a career. And the thing is I think I have been trying to talk myself out of it. Every time I say I am not going to sing, is just another time I am trying to tell myself I shouldn't and me trying to convince myself nothing will come of it.

I just don't know where I fit in when it comes to performing. And then there is the whole finding a band thing that is so daunting. I mean...how many people, specifically singers have you heard of trying to find a band??? LOTS is the answer and although I know I have a lot more talent than most of them....I JUST DON'T KNOW!!!

All I can find are reasons to talk myself out of it.

I don't want to perform R&B music...I would love to as a background singer, but how do you even get into that whole scene???

I want to do rock music...not pop/rock Kelly Clarkson crap....I want to do something like a mix of: Circa Survive/Dance Gavin Dance/As Tall As Lions/Chiodos/Paramore/Envy On The Coast/so many other things. I just don't know how...


And then there is the whole songwriting thing....UGH! I hear things in my head...guitar riffs, drumbeats, bass lines, melodies...but then I sit down with my guitar or at a piano when I get a chance and I can't find the chords I hear in my head...or I try to sing out the melody to put into garageband and it sounds like shit....when minutes before it sounded SO awesome in my head or when I was singing it in the car. I can't seem to form verses and choruses the way I want either. My words just sound so ridiculously bad.

I know being negative about it doesn't help....but I can't find the positive anywhere in this. I have been given a voice and yet I don't know what to use it for. I know I want to be in the music business and I love the business side of it too, but I just can't NOT perform. It is just too important of a part of me.

I need a kick in the right direction....and I need it bad....I am just driving myself crazy thinking about what I need to do so much.

Thinking has gotten me absolutely no where....

My Picture Kicks Your Picture's Ass!!!

Click on it so you can see it bigger!!! It is such an amazing picture...or at least I think so! And in the end....isn't that all that really matters???

Denied....

...and why am I surprised?

It happens the same exact way every single time.

Something happens...I get excited...things get set in motion.......

And then.....nothing.

Of of course I get all upset and wonder why I did it to myself once again. And stupidity kicks in.

I think eventually I will stop the cycle....but until then...back to the drawing board!

Jailbait....

...that's what we'll call him. Pretty much the sweetest kid I know and I love him to death. Not really speaking to him for 2 years is something I feel SO bad about. Like I said though, he is jailbait and I was in college....the whole 2 seperate directions in life comes into play here. Seeing him now has been like a breath of fresh air. I just want to spend as much time with him as possible and catch up and just generally keep hanging out because since getting back to the West Coast...this is the most I have laughed and just let go and had fun. And it's nice to have that back.

So, here's to more good times with jailbait....and stop looking at me that way.

Secret Life....

Sitting at work, I realize although I do talk and ocassionally joke with my co-workers...they know absolutely nothing about me.

It got me wondering how they would react if I started talking about having performed in front of crowds of over 1,200 people or hanging out with people who are considered, 'celebrities.' Or getting scholarships for music....learning from some of the best.

When I am at work I feel like people just consider me as some kid who barely graduated high school and with nothing else to do...got a job stocking shelves at Target. It probably doesn't help that I sometimes shower before work and then wear clothes I would NEVER wear in public. hahaha, but who is supposed to look good stocking shelves in the middle of the night, honestly?

It's not that I want them to think I am some super cool person...I am just kind of sick of them treating me like/thinking of me as some dumb young kid with no future.

Personally I think there is a lot more to me than that....just sayin....

NO!!! Not Again....

Why do I do it to myself? Why do any of us do it to ourselves?

DAMNIT!

Oh Well....

I Want To Burn Out Bright....

I don't think I could have put it in better words. Jon Foreman knows what's up. This is what I have been feeling like/thinking about since I got back from the East Coast.

This is why I have covered myself in their words...well, not just this song, but all of them!



Does it have to start with a broken heart
Broken dreams and bleeding parts
We were young and world was clear
But young ambition disappears
I swore it would never come to this
The average, the obvious

I'm still discontented down here
I'm still discontented

If we've only got one try
If we've only got one life
If time was never on our side
Then before I die
I want to burn out bright

A spark ignites
In time and space
Limping through this human race
You bite and claw your way back home
But you're running the wrong way

The future is a question mark
Of kerosene and electric sparks
There's still fire in you yet
Yeah there's still fire in you!

I keep cleaning up the mess I've made
I won't run away
I can't sleep in the bed I've made

Overnight Owl...

Working overnight can truly mess with your mind. I never know what day it is....I have to look at a calendar for a long time before I can figure it out. If it isn't my planner, it takes even longer.

I go to work at 11pm at night 5 nights a week and work on average about 7.5-8 hours. Waking up when it's dusk and trying to go to bed when it just got light out is the most awkward thing. I get home and I am tired and should want to sleep, but I feel like the sun tricks me into thinking I should stay awake. And I usually do. In less than 12 hours I will be getting in the shower and then be getting ready for work.

It is such a backwards schedule.

As for the people I work with....it is such a wide range of personalities and lifestyles. I can't figure out where I fit in, but I kind of like that. I feel like the job shouldn't be THAT normal for me, because it is definitely not where I see myself in the years to come. The job doesn't require that much thinking, which I like right now. My last job was so intense all the time and although I would NEVER trade my time there for anything...it's nice to have a polar opposite experience.

So it just hit 10am/what would normally be 11am and I am still awake...why you may ask...because I feel like I should do more than shower and stock shelves in a day. So, I ate some 'breakfast,' watched a movie, and played with the dogs as my roommates got ready for their rehearsal.

All in a night/morning's time!

Puddle Love....

...and when I say Puddle I mean my sister's dog Spyro (named after the purple dragon) who is a mix between a Pug and Poodle. What you wouldn't expect is an adorable dog, but that's what came out of that mix and match session.

There is seriously nothing like the love of a pet...even if it is indirectly yours too. When they look up at you and wag their tail or meow or whatever your pet may do...you just feel so good. It made me realize I need to have some sort of an animal when I move next. I need a companion who loves me back and doesn't care if I don't call.

Loving my sister's dog is so easy and I need that in my life. While I was terribly sick last month...I got to sit at home with him and watch movies ALL day. I miss that. I just pulled him up on my lap at the kitchen table and he passed out. I want this everyday.

Feeling Ridiculous...

It has clearly become a part of my life/part of my misery. Although I love being awkward, loud, and generally just love to stand out and not fit in...I can't help but wonder what life would be like if I didn't have to be half those things all the time.

Would I be covered in tattoos?
Would I be living in Oregon?
Would I have the same friends?
Would I have done half the stupid shit I did in Boston?
Would I still have this odd feeling of being alone, even when I surround myself with people?
Would I have gone to Berklee College Of Music on scholarship?
Would I be a singer?
Would I want to be in the music industry or would I be into something my grandparents like to call, 'practical?'

Lot's of would I's.


I am learning to become comfortable in my skin still. We all doubt ourselves sometimes in life. I feel like everyday I wake up I have a process of not knowing what to do with myself. I question my motives and why I want to do what I plan on doing for the rest of my life. I question why I have covered my skin in ink.

That's something that bothers me. My tattoos say a lot about me....they tell a story. Yes I love the musicians that the tattoos represent, but it is for the music they make not for them. I went through a lot of crap and at times I felt like I had absolutely no one.

I used to be SO angry.

But music opened up my mind to an extent I didn't think anything could. It made me realize somebody else had felt like I did...I wasn't alone or helpless. And I knew I wanted to become a part of something like that.

I know I can be a little on the crazy side sometimes and I look back and think I looked like an idiot, but you know what I have really come to see....I can't remember ever having more fun than when I wasn't thinking and was just doing what comes naturally. So, I look stupid...hopefully I will get over that.

I am 100% original and although I may be embarrassed by this right now...I know I will be incredibly proud of myself when I am older. I haven't done things to be like so and so. I have tried to follow my dreams and will continue to do so...even if it sucks sometimes. There is no one else like me and that is why I have met so many great people and have had the opportunities I have had.

That's probably why you are reading this. =)


I live for 4 things:
Passion
Music
Love
Life

Online Television=I Need More Books In My Life

I love it....and god am I glad someone thought of it. I don't have cable, so without it I would not be able to watch the plethora of shows I love/hate to love.

What I Watch:
Grey's Anatomy
Gossip Girl
Private Practice
America's Next Top Model
Pushing Daisies
Dancing With The Stars
One Tree Hil...when it is actually on


Although only 1 or 2 of those shows are actually smart, well written, and truly entertaining...for some reason I can't help but watch all of them online at some point during my week.


This is when I realize I need to get back to reading more....I MISS IT SO MUCH. It has just been hard for me to read a book and finish it and feel like I took something away from it...like I want to go back and read it again and again. I get to this place sometimes and I give up on books for a bit. I don't want to pick one up and be disappointed. I went from Ayn Rand's The Fountainhead to Alice Sebold's Lucky in a matter of months. There were a few books in between and they are obviously not worth mentioning.

HELP ME! Any recommendations of intellectually challenging, intriguing, entertaining, and overall just well written books would save my life right now. My mind feels like it is losing knowledge every day I don't pick up a book and put something in it.

Does that make any sense??? Seriously though...I am dying for a good book right now!

Being Hit On And Cigarettes....

So, I am ready for the phone calls to come ringing in from my Mother. Yes Mom....from time to time I smoke a cigarette. It's a VERY rare occasion when it does occur. I just finished my first full pack that I have had since March. That's right it took me almost 8 whole months to finish a pack and even gave 3 or 4 away. It's more of a social thing and sometimes I just feel like it. I don't buy pack upon pack. I rarely smoke more than 1 in a day if I smoke at all.

For some reason it felt like it was time to not hide it anymore. I hate having to explain myself to everyone who finds out. So, guess what everyone...I like to smoke A cigarette once or twice a month.

Now that that is over with....

I went to get a Hot Chocolate from my local 24 hour Starbucks before calling it a night and got hit on so hard I would have had to have been blind to not see it. It was quite flattering too...even if it was a woman.



I feel like this past week has been beyond wonderful for my confidence and self-esteem. You ever just have one of those weeks where just about everything seems to go your way and life can't get better? It's been one of those and it has done wonders for me.

So, to anyone that was a part of my life this last week, whether it be in person, over the phone, or even online....thank you for making it SO incredible. After being sick for a month, I couldn't have asked for more.

Weird Science...

OINGO BOINGO BITCHES!!!!

I love my Mom for MANY reasons....one of the biggest is reasons is the fact that she listened to a lot of awesome music when I was growing up. Yes of course I listened to Raffi and all the other kid things, but she rocked out to Oingo Fucking Boingo, Genesis, Nirvana, and tons of other great stuff!

Now you may ask why Oingo Boingo comes up out of nowhere. On Sunday (Oct. 28th) I had a meet and greet with the band Chiodos at the Roseland Theater. On one of the tables was a picture of the band Oingo Boingo and I realized I hadn't listened to them in forever. I went in search of their music today and reconnected with my childhood.

OINGO BOINGO FUCKIN' ROCKS!!! If you don't know what I am talking about....go check out their song, 'Weird Science,' which if I am correct was the theme song for the movie starring Anthony Michael Hall...one of our favorite 80s actors.

Just a lil fact...anyone know who Danny Elfman is? Tim Burton's right hand man when it comes to music for his movies...yep...he was one of the masterminds and singer of Oingo Boingo.

I know....you are totally dying right now to check them out. AND YOU SHOULD! It will take you back to one of the best parts of the 80s!

Welcome To The Random World Of Sarahjane....

So, I have decided that I am tired of posting bulletins, blogs, notes, and such on facebook and myspace. I just want to have one place where I post every little thought and idea that pops into my head. I also want a place where I can share my experiences. And I have found it in Blogger...HOORAY! My ultimate goal is to be completely honest about everything...even it it hurts or is incredibly embarrassing...I just need to get it out and if people feel like commenting on my odd ways....then so be it. It might just help me figure out this crazy thing I like to sometimes call My Life.

A bit about myself...

Facts:
-21 Years Old
-Female
-5'6"
-Older Sister-Amanda(23), Younger Half Brother-Alex(14), Younger Stepbrother-Eli(14), Younger Stepsister-Addie(6)
-Mom-Christie(46), Dad-Steve(49), Stepdad-Gary, Stepmom-Jahna
-Past Stepparents: Stepmom-Gwen, Stepdad-Ed, Stepmom-Mickey
-Music Enthusiast To The EXTREME
-Move Around A Lot
-Not Emo And/Or Punk...Just Tend To Look The Part Sometimes
-7 Tattoos And Counting
-My life is nothing without music...there will be MANY posts about this.

Family:
I love my family no matter how much crap I may talk about some of them....I wouldn't be here without them and I can't imagine life without them either.

Dad-He is something that is part of family, but also seperate. Knowing about my relationship with my Dad is key to knowing A LOT about why I am who I am today. There will be whole other post on this shortly.


Work:
I have worked a lot of random jobs. Including-
Oregon State Youth Litter Patrol
Baskin Robbins
Dream Kitchens LLC
Hollywood Video
Boston Duck Tours
Target

On the side I have done a lot of promotions work for record labels and artists.


Career:
I talk a lot about what I want to do and sometimes find it hard to actually follow through when it comes to my career goals. I have such HUGE aspirations and I am incredibly passionate....it's just actually doing it that for some reason I have issues with. In order for me to truly achieve something, I just need to push myself outside my awkward bubble.

Collections:
-Letters, postcards, cards....etc.
-Setlists, guitar picks, concert tickets, basically anything from the stage at concerts
-Signed Band Stuff
-Vinyl...it's still in the beginning stages
-CDs


The list goes on....but it's a start.