Update....I guess....

Me, right now....hmmmm.....now there's a subject I don't even get right now.

I have so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside me recently.

I forgave my father....it took almost 6 years, but I did it! It was the most releasing feeling of my entire life. And for some reason I feel awkward saying it but...I felt God in my life for the first time. I know I felt him in music before, it's how he guided me through everything....but never have I felt such a rush...such a strength inside me before. I feel so weird saying that...like people will think I am full of crap or something.

I am trying to learn how to take responsibility for my actions as well. That one's a little tougher. It's not just admitting I have things I have to take care of....it's having the resources to take care of them. I have had the most sick feeling in my stomach for a long time about debts I need to take care of. I felt as if I didn't do it all at once...which will never happen....that I would get in huge trouble. When the truth is that I am going to be in trouble either way and even more so if I don't own up to them and just admit I can't do it all at once and that I have to do it bits at a time.

Then there is that other feeling....that strong feeling of self doubt and dislike that I have for myself. I know that no one is going to be able to see how beautiful I am and want to have me in their life...if I can't see it in myself first. How can you let someone love a part of you that you won't let exist. I have been told that my confidence is overwhelming...that I am so strong. I don't feel it though. What do they see, that I won't let myself?

I have so many amazing experiences in my past and hopefully many more in the future....but even with all the amazing things in my life....I still don't want it...I don't want to be a part of it. It's so hard to actually say it...and I can't. I won't let myself, because I know I won't. Not only because I have seen the effects it has had on some of the most important people in my life, but because I wouldn't want to cause that for anyone. It's such an unfair thing to do....but that doesn't change the fact that I think about it more than I would like.

I just want something to happen....and my problem is that I think I need something to happen.

Then there are friends...

Jen....if you're reading this....thank you for being my roommate! Living in the city with you is probably the thing that makes me happiest right now. PS. I MISS YOU...I'm cooler than Matt! hehehe..just kidding...but I am....hahaha...really we have both just been too busy and I have been poor. I promise to work on both things.

Long Distance Friends...

I miss you all so much! A few of you are an exception to what I am about to say...I know we are all busy with our crazy hectic lives and we don't always have time to call...but I call, I write, I text....where are you??? Just because I am not there, doesn't mean you aren't a huge part of my life...you are huge part of how I have become who I am and I miss you. I don't even care if it is a text saying you are ok and busy....anything. I am going to be selfish here and say that I feel forgotten. Were we not as good of friends as I thought? Did I annoy you? Was I overwhelming? I am all about honesty here....I wouldn't want to think someone was my friend that truly isn't. I'm not asking for you to say, "OH NO, sarah I love you!" I just feel like I put so much effort into staying in touch with so many people and that really only 2 or 3 people respond and show some sort of reaction.

Then there is a close friend....

I am too afraid to call you...to write you a personal message, but hopefully you will know this is for you.

I called you and told you about something so great in my life and you were so excited. But then you sent me a message and it pushed me away from you. SO far away from you. You said that if I hadn't found it in my life we probably couldn't be friends in the long run, that we couldn't be friends forever and that my well being depended on that. Were you just not going to be my friend if I didn't get lucky and find it my life. You made it seem as if our entire friendship depended on it. In all honesty, growing up with you...I felt as if it was dumb that I hadn't let it be a part of my life. What you wrote hurt me. You're my best friend and nothing would ever change that, not distance, faith, love, mistakes, nothing...NOTHING, but the fact that my not being a part of it would cause you to doubt my love, my friendship....how could you?

Then there's these things called dreams.

I know what I want has something to do with music. For me I know that the only thing that matters is that it be a part of my life every day. If that means driving a big tour bus, a mini tour van, selling merch, setting a stage up, pushing buttons, filling out paperwork, making the phone calls, assisting someone. The main goal is to have music be what I do. I just really want to be able to wake up in a different city every night, meet TONS of people every day, and be a part of what changes a person's life. The BIGGEST reason I have survived the downfalls in my life is because of music and the strength that it has given me. I want to save someone's life...I want them to know that they are worth fighting for even though I question it every day...at least I am still here questioning it. And I want to help them learn how to do that in a positive way, not a negative way.



Long story short...that's only a small part of what is going on in my brain right now. I really just want to find a way to take action with all of these things and stop sitting on my bum thinking about them.


I need to find something inside myself right now...I just don't know how I am going to do that.