Update....I guess....

Me, right now....hmmmm.....now there's a subject I don't even get right now.

I have so many conflicting emotions swirling around inside me recently.

I forgave my father....it took almost 6 years, but I did it! It was the most releasing feeling of my entire life. And for some reason I feel awkward saying it but...I felt God in my life for the first time. I know I felt him in music before, it's how he guided me through everything....but never have I felt such a rush...such a strength inside me before. I feel so weird saying that...like people will think I am full of crap or something.

I am trying to learn how to take responsibility for my actions as well. That one's a little tougher. It's not just admitting I have things I have to take care of....it's having the resources to take care of them. I have had the most sick feeling in my stomach for a long time about debts I need to take care of. I felt as if I didn't do it all at once...which will never happen....that I would get in huge trouble. When the truth is that I am going to be in trouble either way and even more so if I don't own up to them and just admit I can't do it all at once and that I have to do it bits at a time.

Then there is that other feeling....that strong feeling of self doubt and dislike that I have for myself. I know that no one is going to be able to see how beautiful I am and want to have me in their life...if I can't see it in myself first. How can you let someone love a part of you that you won't let exist. I have been told that my confidence is overwhelming...that I am so strong. I don't feel it though. What do they see, that I won't let myself?

I have so many amazing experiences in my past and hopefully many more in the future....but even with all the amazing things in my life....I still don't want it...I don't want to be a part of it. It's so hard to actually say it...and I can't. I won't let myself, because I know I won't. Not only because I have seen the effects it has had on some of the most important people in my life, but because I wouldn't want to cause that for anyone. It's such an unfair thing to do....but that doesn't change the fact that I think about it more than I would like.

I just want something to happen....and my problem is that I think I need something to happen.

Then there are friends...

Jen....if you're reading this....thank you for being my roommate! Living in the city with you is probably the thing that makes me happiest right now. PS. I MISS YOU...I'm cooler than Matt! hehehe..just kidding...but I am....hahaha...really we have both just been too busy and I have been poor. I promise to work on both things.

Long Distance Friends...

I miss you all so much! A few of you are an exception to what I am about to say...I know we are all busy with our crazy hectic lives and we don't always have time to call...but I call, I write, I text....where are you??? Just because I am not there, doesn't mean you aren't a huge part of my life...you are huge part of how I have become who I am and I miss you. I don't even care if it is a text saying you are ok and busy....anything. I am going to be selfish here and say that I feel forgotten. Were we not as good of friends as I thought? Did I annoy you? Was I overwhelming? I am all about honesty here....I wouldn't want to think someone was my friend that truly isn't. I'm not asking for you to say, "OH NO, sarah I love you!" I just feel like I put so much effort into staying in touch with so many people and that really only 2 or 3 people respond and show some sort of reaction.

Then there is a close friend....

I am too afraid to call you...to write you a personal message, but hopefully you will know this is for you.

I called you and told you about something so great in my life and you were so excited. But then you sent me a message and it pushed me away from you. SO far away from you. You said that if I hadn't found it in my life we probably couldn't be friends in the long run, that we couldn't be friends forever and that my well being depended on that. Were you just not going to be my friend if I didn't get lucky and find it my life. You made it seem as if our entire friendship depended on it. In all honesty, growing up with you...I felt as if it was dumb that I hadn't let it be a part of my life. What you wrote hurt me. You're my best friend and nothing would ever change that, not distance, faith, love, mistakes, nothing...NOTHING, but the fact that my not being a part of it would cause you to doubt my love, my friendship....how could you?

Then there's these things called dreams.

I know what I want has something to do with music. For me I know that the only thing that matters is that it be a part of my life every day. If that means driving a big tour bus, a mini tour van, selling merch, setting a stage up, pushing buttons, filling out paperwork, making the phone calls, assisting someone. The main goal is to have music be what I do. I just really want to be able to wake up in a different city every night, meet TONS of people every day, and be a part of what changes a person's life. The BIGGEST reason I have survived the downfalls in my life is because of music and the strength that it has given me. I want to save someone's life...I want them to know that they are worth fighting for even though I question it every day...at least I am still here questioning it. And I want to help them learn how to do that in a positive way, not a negative way.



Long story short...that's only a small part of what is going on in my brain right now. I really just want to find a way to take action with all of these things and stop sitting on my bum thinking about them.


I need to find something inside myself right now...I just don't know how I am going to do that.

Love Is A Revolution??? ...Why???

I wrote these a few months ago and just happened upon them the other day...

.......................................

Love is the movement
Love is a revolution

But how can we all make it happen
When love is a different concept to every person

With all the different kinds of love in the world
Where are we going to find a common ground

I'm still tring to figure out how to love
How to give enough
But not too much
To learn to accept being loved
But not the wrong kind of love




..........................................


Why do I feel so much?
the range of emotions
my body and mind struggle
to experience every day
is exhausting

Why do I care so much?
I put everything I can into
everyone else's lives.
Most likely because I don't know
how to put anything into my own

Why do I have a life?
A life that I don't appreciate.
I have been given so much in
this life in order to succeed.
Why do I take it all for granted?

Why can't I let myself be happy?

Why Do I Let Myself Fail Every Time...

I feel like I let myself fail every time I set out to do something.

It's as if I talk about all the things I could succeed at, but I never even really try as hard as I can. The thing that's makes it worse is that I am so aware of it. It eats away at me every day....I think about it on a regular basis and yet....I still don't do anything to make something happen.

Sorry if you don't like reading this...mom...gary...or whoever actually keeps an eye on this still....

I have happy moments...many happy moments, but...I just feel so unhappy all the time. I think about going to a counselor, but I generally talk about stuff when I am unhappy. I just don't know how to not be so disappointed in myself ALL THE TIME. I hate who I am. I hate that I can't accept myself. I have so many good qualities and gifts...and like I said before...it only makes me more frustrated, because I am SO aware of it.

We all have insecurities...but when do they stop ruling our lives...or when do we stop letting them?

I want to feel good again...not necessarily about all this stuff. I just want to wake up in the morning...and feel good. Nothing more, nothing less.

I don't want to have such negative thoughts and ideas running through my head every time I see my reflection, every time I think of something I failed at.

Why can't I let myself be enough for me. I never by any means want to be content...I always want to strive for something better, but...why are we all so set on being unhappy in this life?

Back To The Drawing Board...?

I guess so...two days is all it took to make the past 21 years disappear. And one sentence put it all back into perspective.

It's better to know now...I know that. I think it just could have been put better.

I'm just sick of sitting on the sidelines and watching everyone else have something. It all seems so out of reach and so unrealistic in my life....just the idea that someone could find my silly ways beautiful...seems ridiculous.

This didn't make me feel this way...I have pretty much felt this way for as long as I can remember. I just never put it in words.

I don't get me...but others seem to...?

I don't know how I want to write about this yet...but it is something that has been on my mind for a long time and then kind of went away and now has started to come back into my thoughts.

I feel like people see me in a completely different way than I do..which of course they do, but I feel like sometimes we are talking about two very different people.

Once again...this is already coming out the wrong way.

More on this later....

Will I Ever Be Enough.....For Me?

I feel like so many people try to be enough for their parents, their friend...someone that isn't who they should really be trying for. The fact, in my eyes, is that it's about making sure you are being true to yourself. You don't have to do anything for anyone, but yourself. Who decided we were supposed to care what our peers thought or the public? Why does that matter so much to so many people? I know I am one who can be affected by what others think and I don't know why...it bothers me that I can't explain it. I know that a counselor or a friend would probably have an answer that makes sense, but that doesn't mean it will stop bothering me.

I am not living my life right now. Is that weird to say that? I feel like I keep moving from point A to point A to point A. I keep leaving myself in debt, I keep going to concerts, I keep buying clothes and food....all these things are not necessary. I just want to not have all this negativity in my life.

I am so much better than this.



We are out of our minds
We cant live this way forever, forever
So run, run with me from the ordinary
It's our time to escape lose ourselves

If we can find a way to break this chain
Regain the natural cycle
Leave your answers behind we’ll be there to decide
If we can find the strength to go our own way, go our own way
It will take your breath away; will take your breath away

We are out of our minds
We can't live this way forever, forever
So run, run with me from the ordinary
Come on it’s our time to escape lose ourselves

We finally found a way to make the change we’ll make the change together
(Old ways left behind, chains will loosen over time)
We finally found the strength to go our own way to go our own way
(No longer are we confined, the power of resolution shines)

Now we are free again, we are free again, we are free again

Do I have your attention?
Look what we can create
It will take your breath away; will take your breath away, away
Do I have your attention?
Now’s our time to escape
Find the strength to go our own way

Now we are free again, we are free again, again
Now we are free again, we are free again; again, again, we are free again

The Funny Thing Is....

...I didn't have to work there to know this.

A Day Off....

I am determined to do something that I have never done before today....I don't know exactly what that will be just yet, but I know I would like to do something that makes me like Portland a bit more. I rag on this city a lot...I think it is time I find something to like about it.

Wish me luck!


Ps. I got the days off I asked for....which means I will be seeing THE STILLS in a few weeks for the first time!!! They are playing for the grand opening of a new venue in Canada...and the venue is teeny. Less than 400 capacity. I can't wait!!!!

Pps. I got paid today!!! Hooray!!!